A Bit of Fun
by readbycandlelight
Summary: In which Darcy makes Dr Banner and Steve Rogers uncomfortable while also catching the eye of a certain someone who happens to like her 'bit of fun.' One-shot, perhaps? Perchance? Darcy/Loki
1. Chapter 1

**Title**: _A Bit of Fun_

**Author**: _readbycandelight_

**Rating**: T

**Summary**: _In which Darcy makes Dr Banner and Steve Rogers uncomfortable while also catching the eye of a certain someone who happens to like her 'bit of fun.'_

**Author's Note**: This scenario popped into my head this morning so I thought I'd try my hand at an one-shot drabble thingy, something I've never attempted before. Thank you so much for reading! I hope you like, because Darcy Lewis was definitely a fun character for me to work with :D

* * *

**_A Bit of Fun_**

"I'm _bored_," Darcy intoned, staring forlornly at the _Are We Alone_? documentary that Jane, Dr Banner, Steve Rogers, and, weirdly enough, _Loki,_ were all watching from various seated positions in the shared Avengers common room.

She turned her attention to her rag-tag companions, noting that they didn't seem too distressed by her boredom situation. Steve and Dr Banner were seated on either sides of her on the spacious couch. Which, she had to admit, was a calculated move on her part — she'd snugly wiggled in between them just so she could watch the two timid men squirm as far away as humanly possible from her while still politely staying on the couch. A little evil? Yes. But it was vitally necessary for her to do such things if she was to keep her boredom at bay. Anyways they were alright now (at their safe distances away from the curvy, hell-fire personal assistant) with amused expressions on their faces, which Jane shared from her own easy chair, as they all stared forward at the screen like they were in on some big secret which the scientists and actors in the documentary were unaware of. Which, well, _they were_ in on a big secret that the documentary didn't know about because not too long ago The Avengers had to assemble to kick some serious alien ass.

Speaking of which, some of that alien ass was currently sitting in his own easy-back chair watching the documentary right along with them. Darcy cut her gaze over to Loki. He was in the farthest chair in the darkest corner of the room. She noted that he looked ridiculously tall, over-dressed, and menacing in the comfy chair, like maybe he was, oh, she didn't know — _an alien prince from a realm far, far away_? she thought sarcastically. Darcy still wasn't too sure why exactly he was here. Thor and Jane had explained to her that part of his punishment for his crimes against earth was to live among the people he had tried to defeat. Darcy supposed that seemed character building when written down on paper, but seeing him in real life just sitting in front of the boob tube…yeah, it didn't look too much like a punishment.

Or maybe it was… She scrutinized his features, taking in the haughty twist to his lips and the disgust glittering in his jade green eyes as he stared at the television set. He looked both utterly bored and disarmingly revolted by what he was watching. She could practically _hear_ him screaming in his mind, '_Dear Loki, why do I have to put up with such brainless peasants!?_' …Because in Darcy's head Loki prayed out to himself. He seemed like the type of god that would do that. She amused herself for a couple of more moments by imagining what his inner monologue must be like while he watched the screen full of uninformed humans speculate on - gasp - _what's out there_.

She smiled a little. He might be a psychotic alien, but at least he was as bored to tears as she was.

"You know," she burst out, when she'd finally grown bored with her new game. "I used to think Morgan Freeman was omnipotent, because he's God and all, but this documentary has made me lose all faith in him. He _should already know_ that we're not alone. Just like we all, in here," she motioned in a circle with her right pointer finger to emphasize her point, "know that aliens exist. So can we do something less redundant now?" she pouted.

This time she had everyone's attention. Jane and Dr Banner, who were in on her 'Bruce Almighty' pop culture reference, had turned to her with amused expressions on their faces. The super soldier and the Asgardian, however, were looking at her as if she had turned into a snail that meowed like a cat.

"Morgan Freeman is God?" Steve asked, his handsome, all-American face scrunched up like he was questioning all of his long-held beliefs.

No one answered him. Instead, his uncertainty hung in the air as Jane smiled wryly at Darcy and asked, "Alright, Darcy, then what do _you_ want to do?"

It was really hard for Darcy to keep a straight face as she executed her diabolical plan that she had set up from the very moment since she'd sat down on the couch - but she managed, because she was badass like that. With a dark, deadpan expression on her face, she slid both of her hands out to the sides of her until she was kneading a toned upper thigh of both Dr Banner and Steve.

"Corrupt the innocent," she intoned, her eyes locked on Jane as she gave the men's thighs a good squeezing.

Both Dr Banner and Steve shot up from the couch simultaneously, as if burned, putting as much distance between themselves and Darcy as they possibly could, their virtues a-fluttering. She could have sworn she even heard an 'eep' from the Cap.

"_Darcy._" Jane instantly went into lecture mode. "That was rude. You know Dr Banner has a blood pressure condition, and Steve is a very nice young man with good moral values. Why would you _do_ such a thing?"

"Ah _come on," _Darcy said in a fit of hysterics. "It was just a bit of fun!"

"But seriously? Is Morgan Freeman God?" she heard Steve furtively asking Dr Banner as they rushed out of the exit to the room with burning cheeks. This sent Darcy reeling further until she was laughing so hard tears sprang to her eyes.

"My work here is done!" she proclaimed triumphantly, as she spread herself out on the couch, her arms braced behind her head.

Jane just shook her head disapprovingly, leaving her troublesome assistant to gloat.

Throughout all this, Loki had sat in his dark corner, the look of pure boredom slowly shifting into interest as he watched the impish little mortal's antics… 'Well that had certainly been…_mischievous_,' he thought, his gaze flashing with approval as he mapped out her form with his eyes. A slow, crooked grin spread out across his pale, aristocratic features. 'Yes. She would definitely be 'a bit of fun," he decided, already thinking of the ways he was going to corrupt _her_.

Darcy abruptly stopped laughing when she saw the intensely gleeful expression on Loki's face — an expression that was directed solely at her. "_What?_" she asked defensively, not liking his creepy alien vibes.

"Oh, nothing," he said in his cultured accent. The ominous grin never left his face. "I was just thinking that this realm might actually have its charms after all."

* * *

_Finis?_


	2. Chapter 2

**_A Bit of Fun_**

_**Chapter Two**_

**Summary**: In which Darcy gets carried away with her mischief, Thor gets carried away with his hammer, Michael Fassbender is a sex-god (say what?), and Loki gets Darcy to promise to do anything for him.

**Author's Note:** So I totally sabotaged myself by saying this fic is a one-shot because now it's…not. This is total crack!fic. I hope you like it and are having fun. Oh and to all the Fassy fangirls out there: this one's for you. You're welcome ;)

* * *

Thor was staring at her chest.

Darcy shifted her eyes around the room uncomfortably, before looking back at Thor, who was steadily staring at her face now. She flinched. "Um, Thor? What's with the weirdness?"

His golden brow crinkled in confusion. "Weirdness? What is this weirdness that you speak of?"

Darcy snapped her copy of '_The Princess Bride'_ shut with a pinched look on her face. She was feeling really awkward. Especially since Loki was also sitting in the Avengers common room surreptitiously glancing over her way every once in a while, while also reading Niccolò Machiavelli's '_Il Principe' (_which, so not cool! Someone should really take away the book about tyrannical law from the sociopath).

"You know," she said, trailing her gaze down to her chest and talking through her teeth in the hopes that Loki wouldn't hear. "You were staring…" Thor's gaze was uncomprehending. "At my _boobs_," she elaborated. Out of the corner of her eye she saw Loki raise a piquant inky black eyebrow in their direction. Oh balls, so much for not being overheard…

Comprehension dawned on Thor's face, and the apples of his cheeks flamed a merry red. The added color actually made him look like a young, brawny Santa Clause, what with his beard and general jolliness. "Oh no, Lady Darcy, you are quite mistaken! I was not looking at your—" at this part he made a vague movement with his hands in the air, as if cupping something hefty and weighing them. He pleaded with his eyes for her to help him out.

"…Sandbags?" she suggested, biting her lip to hold back her grin. "Bazoomas? Dirty pillows?"

"Er…yes," he said, looking mightily confused. "_Those_. I would never disgrace you in such a way. Upon my honor, I swear it. The only reason my gaze was in that general direction was because I was quite preoccupied by your shirt." He frowned at said shirt. "Tell me, is that handsome lad one of your kin folk? Is that why you honor his image by having it emblazoned on your clothing?"

"Wha?" Darcy started to say, looking back down at her T-shirt. An image of the dashingly handsome Michael Fassbender, the actor who had played the roles of Magneto in the movie _X-Men: First Class_ and Mr. Rochester in the 2011 version of _Jane Eyre_ smoldered at her. _Oh._..she thought in dawning comprehension. Thor was just curious about her fangirl shirt. Thank Godiva! because Thor might be cut and all but Darcy was _sooo_ not into home-wrecking.

She debated about whether or not to tell him the truth or take this juicy opportunity to do one better. An evil laugh resounded in her head. Outwardly, however, she looked at Thor in earnestness. "Oh, you mean you don't know who Michael Fassbender is?" Thor shook his head in the negative, looking intrigued. "Well," she said with wide, innocent eyes. "You know how you're the God of Thunder and Loki over there is the God of Mischief?" At the mention of his name, Loki set his book down in his lap, not even holding up the pretext of reading anymore. He arched his brow fiercely, looking skeptical and wanting to hear where this was going.

Darcy turned her gaze back to a rapt Thor. "Yes?" he said, his forehead wrinkled in deep thought.

"Michael Fassbender is the God of Sex." _Oh God Darcy don't laugh! DON'T LAUGH!_ "He's the…sex god."

Thor gasped, looking totally floored. "The God of…" His eyes nearly bulged out of his head in realization. He grasped her shoulders in urgency. "Do you mean that he wields the power of…?"

"Sexy fun times?" she supplied solemnly. Inside her head she was cackling. "Yes… He wields it greatly. Some even say it's as if he is…magnetic. Women just fall in ecstasy at his feet."

"Madness," Thor muttered, looking off into the distance. He seemed to be at war with his thoughts. Finally, he nodded his head, as if coming to a decision, and dramatically renewed his grip on Darcy's arms as if this were a matter of life and death. Darcy's delicate brows shot up in alarm. "And you, Darcy? Has this Michael Fassbender bewitched you with his charm? Is that why you wear a token of his affections? Has he dishonored your maidenhood and made you a slave to his desires?"

"No, but I wish," Darcy muttered.

"You wish it?" Thor said, looking as if he had been given the death blow. "Then upon my father, I would say you are half way gone from us. But do not fear!" he said, hugging her very close and then backing away suddenly. "I will slay this Michael Fassbender in your name, and break whatever wicked enchantment he has cast upon you! _Mjölner!" _he roared, lifting his strong arm to await his hammer.

_Oh shit._ "No no! There's no need for mew-mew! _Don't get mew-mew_!"

But it was already too late. The magical hammer came crashing through a window, and as soon as Thor grasped it he was off flying through the jagged hole that his mew-mew had just made.

"Oh shit oh god oh shit," Darcy said, pacing the floor. "He's gonna go kill Michael Fassbender in my honor. This was _not_ how this was suppose to go!"

"Hmmm," said Loki, disinterestedly, as he inspected his perfectly clean nails.

"Don't _hmm_ me," Darcy said hysterically, gripping her dark hair. "This is not a time for hmming!"

"This…Michael Fassbender," Loki said, turning a sharp eye on her. "He is not the God of Sex." It wasn't a question, and a dark grin crooked his mouth.

"Uh, yeah, no," Darcy said distractedly. "But the term sex-god is still up for debate, cuz he's smokin' hot. I _have got_ to save him!"

"Are you sure he will be greatly missed?" Loki asked with a sigh.

Darcy was incredulous. "He's, like, super famous. Fassy fangirls everywhere will be hunting Thor down with pitchforks and ninja stars!"

Loki seemed to be debating the pros and cons of this scenario in his mind and the pros were far outweighing the cons. There was a mischievous spark in his eye.

"…_Loki_," Darcy said in a warning tone. "You're suppose to be, like, repenting and stuff. Now would be a good time to do the right thing so you can learn and grow into a better person."

Loki looked positively revolted by this thought.

"Oh, right," Darcy said dryly. "This is you I'm talking to, my bad. Listen, please, just…help me save Fassy. I'll do anything. Please. I wouldn't be able to live with myself if Thor kills someone because of me."

"Anything?" he practically purred, his eyes glinting sinisterly.

"Within reason," she amended, not liking the look in his eyes.

"Fine," he said in a business-like fashion, standing up from his seat. He brushed off invisible lint from his impeccable suit and stepped into her personal space, his arms open in invitation.

Darcy looked up…and up and up. Geez, this dude was tall. "Er…" Did he want her to hug him? Because that would be all kinds of awkward… Like Draco Malfoy/Voldemort hug awkward.

Since Darcy didn't seem to get the hint and take the initiative, Loki gave a put upon sigh and pulled her against him. She had just enough time to register that he smelled like absinthe and magic and a dark wooded forest before she felt a pull in her gut and a sudden jerk from her current reality. They hurtled through a dark shimmering galaxy for a brief moment and then they were slamming down back to earth. Darcy took in a harsh lungful of air and blinked her eyes to adjust just in time to see that she and Loki were in a movie set trailer and Thor was just about to bring down his hammer on a stricken Michael Fassbender.

"Thor, no!" she shrieked, and at the intrusion of her voice, he jerked around to face her.

* * *

**_Several Hours Later_**

By the time they arrived back at the Avengers Tower, all the shattered glass was cleaned up from the common room and there were workers busily putting in a new sheet of glass.

Jane was the first one to greet them. She stomped over to them, in her own petite way, seething. "Where have you been? I came back from the lab and you all were missing and there was glass every where. I've been worried sick!"

After a brief, sheepish glance between the three (well, Loki wasn't sheepish, he looked utterly bored, like a melodramatic mortal was the last thing he wanted to put up with) Darcy stepped up to the plate.

She ducked her head so her face was hidden by her dark, curling hair as she scuffed her silver flat against the carpet. "Yeah, you see, uh…" She squinted, and then let it all out. "I kinda might have been messing with Thor and told him that the actor Michael Fassbender was quote-unquote the 'God of Sex' and he took me literally and then thought I was, like, being brainwashed into kinky sex with Fassy even though that's ludicrous 'cus he's like super famous and that never happens to a girl like me in real life, am I right? So anyways, he took mew-mew with him to go defend my honor and go kill Fassy and that's when I got Loki to come with me to stop Thor and we ended up catching him just in time and then we were able to convince Fassy that we were a role playing gig hired to scare him, and he bought it! and also turned out to be really, really nice and even signed my shirt for me before we left, see?" she inhaled a breath after her long, run-on sentence and then plucked her T-shirt where it was signed. "He accidentally brushed my boob too," she said as an aside. "I thought my ovaries were gonna explode."

Jane, the rest of the Avengers, Director Fury, and Agent Hill stared at Darcy blankly for several moments.

Agent Hill was the first one to recover. "Who's writing the report on this one?" she asked, looking around at the room. "Because I'm sure the hell not doing it."

The room quickly turned into a game of '1, 2, 3, not me!'

_Finis._


End file.
